Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
This week, you are the bug and everyone else is the really huge shoe. Your objective: don't be noticed.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
.syas enoyna gniht elgnis a dnatsrednu ot elba eb t'now uoy yadot, ylddO
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will be "on the move", soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You'll also sneeze your bitter sneeze.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don't worry. It's probably nothing.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like "Arrrr."
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the financial kind.)
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don't be taken in by appearances -- it's actually a mutant from outer space.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will make the startling discovery that most of the lawyers and judges in your county have been possessed by demons. In fact, they weren't kidding when they said that possession was nine tenths of the law...
