Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
It's ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Time heals all wounds, yes. But that's not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It's a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Life will deal you an interesting hand soon. Which is OK, although an interesting foot would have been better.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying "Down With Gravity!."
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you'll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you're in.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone's been teasing your cat.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.)
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds.
