Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you're going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
So. You let your "mole plants" die. Now the moles are back, and this time they mean business. No more Mr. Nice Mole. Try burying a line of eucalyptus cough drops along your property line. If that doesn't work, there's a chance you can buy a nuclear warhead from Ukraine.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to try impressing someone in authority. Why not show them how good you are at making under-arm noises? That's always good for making a lasting impression.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will realize that you've always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Your relationship is reaching the point where you may as well discuss the Big Question - there's no point in going further if you don't see eye to eye on that. By Big Question I'm referring to "crunchy" versus "creamy", of course. Why, what did you think I meant?
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will ignore the warning label on the mouthwash bottle, and will attempt to yodel while gargling. That will be a mistake.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
A project you started a while ago takes on nightmarish proportions, today, as you realize that you've been suckered into a hideous task. Fortunately, you will be able to get out of it by feigning death.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will wake with a start tonight, and hear a sound like that of a whole herd of capybara snuffling around in your closet. Fortunately, when you switch on the light, that will turn out to be all it is.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure
