Someone will ask you for your advice. Don't give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter "Much bad juju", and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Later this week you'll feel much like Scarlet O'Hara did, when she said, "I'll never be hungry again!"
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn't necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Some strange "hooting" creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You'll need it. (You know...for the marketing meeting.)
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will finally figure out what the problem is, with your car! Basically, it has developed a sense of humor.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand -- tomorrow will be ugly.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way).
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you'll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Do not leave home without a ball of twine, today. You won't actually need it, but it'll make you feel better to be prepared.
