You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office "just to chat." Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will go to a Chinese restaurant and decide to try something new. Don't do it! It's not as good as your favorite.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you "Sven." Humor them -- act impressed.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
While attending a séance "just for fun", you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named "Brutus", it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective...
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
When's the last time you did something nice for Doug? Sure, he's cranky a lot, and dresses funny, but he's a good person. Perhaps you should take him to lunch?
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you'll idly wonder what ever happened to Alan Alda, since his MASH days. Believe me, you don't want to know. Neither do I (and I don't). I just know that neither of us wants to.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You'll need to find a present soon - you're almost out of time. Try to find a good deal on a dibble. Everybody needs a dibble. Some people even like a double dibble, but if you ask me, that's going too far.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody's guess.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That's how most of them get started.
