You will be in an extremely stuffy meeting today, which will seem to last forever. You will be able to liven things up a smidge by putting a few small feathers in your hand, and then "coughing" them out.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
This week, you'll discover a trick to make those meetings seem more interesting. Imagine that everyone else has a ferret clinging to their head.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You are always running out of things to say, at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish farming -- that's always a good topic for discussion.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There's something alive in there.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. Of course, where you're actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone's been teasing your cat.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as "Watson" and say things like "The game's afoot!." Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will watch a lot of TV today. But that's ok, if that's really what you want.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today may fail to live up to your expectations, but remember: it's what it's not that makes it what it is.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A relative will be seriously injured today, when a man dressed as a huge shrimp abandons his post at the opening of a seafood restaurant, steals an experimental hovercraft, and crashes it into your relative's motor vehicle. The worst part is, the insurance company will refuse to pay a cent.
