Beware of the Spanish Inquisition, today. They may show up unexpectedly.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will invent a new sort of optical illusion today, involving 6 straight lines, an assortment of blobs, and a picture of an iguana. Everyone will gasp in amazement.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will break all the resolutions you made yesterday, and you will grin.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will be seized by inspiration, and shaken like a rat in the jaws of a terrier. You will wax poetic, assuming that "poetic" is the name of your car.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however - and make sure you don't stray into crustyness.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Bring extra. You'll need it.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will get a wrong number phone call. See how long you can keep them on the line before they figure it out. Extra points if you can get them to tell you their height and weight!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good time to compliment your friends. If you can't think of anything else to say, tell them they're looking "very buff." That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they'll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You might have that mole on your back checked out. It may actually be a gopher.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as "Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior", and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You are about to leave a footprint in the sands of Time. The editors of Time would prefer it if you'd ask permission first.
