You will hear a mysterious "whapping" sound as you are passing by a church today. Curiosity will get the better of you, and you will peek inside. To your relief you will discover it's only the nuns, playing a quick game of dodge-ball.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it'll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze "cute."
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn't. It's not your fault, you've been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn't care. Not if they're going to act like that.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you'll have one of those baffling moments when you're sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They'll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it "Ze Bra."
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it's becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.)
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said "The geek shall inherit the earth", but was just misquoted? Then you'll think of Bill Gates. Then you'll start to worry.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good day to make Mexican food. Just don't drink the water.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Don't you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway -- that's always fun
