You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say "Ow!." That's when I usually say "No pain, no gain." Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named "Brutus", it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective...
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realise that it isn't doing you any good to be jealous, so you'll switch over to envy.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
As Buckaroo Banzai said, "No matter where you go, there you are." Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you'll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You'll find more, and very "interesting", uses for ****tail umbrellas today.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone's carpet, and start making disgusting "huck, huck!" sounds. The joke's on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, "Giggles."
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn't I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok...actually, today you will have pizza.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will wear way too much cologne and make strange unconscious lip-smacking sounds. You've been watching Comedy Night on The Subliminal Channel again, haven't you?
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Beware of slime creatures today. There's one lurking in the fridge, pretending to be lettuce.
