Stinky feet day, today. Don't go to a Japanese restaurant.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it's more of a smirk.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will be harassed by cats today. Hungry, irritable cats.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You are about to scare several people out of their socks! It will turn out that they have very ugly feet.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky's Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Your mind will go blank today. You won't mind -- it'll be a refreshing change from the raging torrents of thoughts that have been pouring through you lately. Plus, you'll get to stretch out in a sunbeam and take a nice nap.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck.
