By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I'd put your duck on a diet.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you'd been wondering about.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day."
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Vlad The Impaler continues to come up in casual conversation. You might want to consider wearing a silver cross, despite your theological leanings.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will wake with a start tonight, and hear a sound like that of a whole herd of capybara snuffling around in your closet. Fortunately, when you switch on the light, that will turn out to be all it is.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as "port" and "starboard."
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you'll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don't you worry -- you can't make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you'll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good day to start saving up for that electron microscope you've always wanted. I hear Sears will be having a big sale on them this fall.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
This is not a good day to start a new romance. Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad in the back of Mad magazine.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you've never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine.
I'm sure the capybara will be gone when I turn on the light Carlos. But that damn mouse lingering around the closet will still be there. And it won't be snuffles that I hear, I'm hoping it might be the trap going....SNAP!!! LOL
Good Morning Carnal, well it's nice to know that we are not alone here in south texas with our rodent problem LOL! Damn things are everywhere. That and Possums, damn those things are ugly lol.
