Not a good time to put all your eggs in one basket. In fact, what's this sudden egg thing about, anyway? Perhaps you should see someone.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours "The Federation Starship Intrepid." And always do that little two-finger wave and say "engage", when you start off, of course.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today will be mostly OK, except that you'll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase "Careful, filling is hot!."
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Someone named "Bob" is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it).
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrasing.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Later this week you'll feel much like Scarlet O'Hara did, when she said, "I'll never be hungry again!"
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's "How To Get Noticed.")
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Beware of turnips.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will have a dream tonight, in which you are standing on the shore of an inky black river in grey twilight. An old man wearing a black cloak will appear, poling a rickety old boat up to you. He will demand payment to ferry you across, but it will turn out he doesn't accept American Express.
