Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Soon you will find yourself at another dull party, where the only person you know is who you came with. You'll need to use Tip #39 of my book "101 Ways To Break The Ice": Ask someone who they are, after introducing yourself. When they say their name, repeat it back to them as "YOU'RE Bill Smith???" "Uh, yes" "Well, you sure can't believe everything you hear, can you?" "What do you mean?" "Well, it's just that you don't look at ALL like a weasel, you know? Or at least, hardly at all."
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You'll forget where you're going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You feel like you're slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today may fail to live up to your expectations, but remember: it's what it's not that makes it what it is.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will invent a new sort of optical illusion today, involving 6 straight lines, an assortment of blobs, and a picture of an iguana. Everyone will gasp in amazement.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will casually mention the German term for "exit ramp", and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That's hardly your fault, though, is it?
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
This will be "one of those days", I'm afraid. The person next to you on the bus will have taken one of those nitroglycerin capsules for his heart condition, and will be bending over to pick up a newspaper, just as the bus hits a big pothole...
