Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it's a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Another excellent day to whittle.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Someone you know will drone on and on about various tentacled sea creatures today. The best thing to do is to pretend you have one of those vibrating pagers in your pocket, and say "oh! that must be the call I've been waiting for", and dash off.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it "Life In The Details."
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You are playing with fire at work, and you're likely to get burned. Why not strap a lot of fire extinguishers to yourself, and wear oven mitts? You might get some odd looks, but at least that way you'll be safe.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There's something alive in there.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone's carpet, and start making disgusting "huck, huck!" sounds. The joke's on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Beware of men on stilts, today. (I'm sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You'll understand, though, when the "situation" occurs.)
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together!
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of "despot"? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Another day of social convention defiance, today. You'll refuse to wear clothes in the "normal" fashion (if at all), and you'll begin all your business correspondence: "My Darling Snookums:."
