You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Try to be logical, today. It's your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your "only hope" was some old geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun.)
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will insist on being called "El Magnifico", today. There will be some grumbling among the peasants.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as "launch codes", "who's been naughty", or "Snerge." This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will mosey, this week. There's nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it's occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you'll soon begin work on "Mosey Your Way To Fitness", a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: "A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul." Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will wrestle with your conscience today, but will be disqualified for using an illegal hold.
