Unbeknownst to thee, thou art over-fond of archaic terms. Prithee, wouldst thou kindly desist?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren't you? It's even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination - mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today will mark the first time you've ever actually "wrestled" a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends!
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Noodle day #2! "The Revenge Of The Noodle." Today you will learn to make a really killer recipe for szechuan noodles, which will contain both chili-garlic paste and whole peanuts.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You, for one, have just about had it with all this "Globalization." Time to go on a diet!
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you'll realise that it isn't that likely someone would say "It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat."
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.
