You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I'd just leave it alone.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will invent a modernized version of the ancient game of horseshoe throwing. You will call it "hubcaps." This will have several advantages over the older game, not least of which is that a car doesn't kick the crap out of you when you try to steal its hubcaps.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Soon you will get into accounting, "just for the thrill of it."
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Not an especially good day to play with crossbows, guns, machetes, flame throwers, mortars, heavy artillery, knives, ninja throwing stars, spears, maces, or nuclear weaponry. At least not all at once. Why not go out and putter about in the garden?
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don't ask me. I just see the future, I don't explain it.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Try not to attract attention today. This might be a good time to learn the art of disguise. Forget about camoflage suits, though - I tried wearing mine to the mall, and people could still see me, even when I crouched and remained very still.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You look rediculous in that. Go and change.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm -- they can sense fear.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won't realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don't understand.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Everyone you work with will bring Kim Chee for lunch, today. They're just doing it to be difficult.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Uh oh. Mars is out of alignment, again. Not a good day to hang out with stupid, violent, heavily-armed ex-convicts. Save that for tomorrow.
