You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will wake up in somebody else's body. The strangest thing about the transition will be that you'll have all the memories from the new body, and none of your own from before. Despite that, you will be somehow quite certain that you've "traded down."
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you'll catch glimpses of through the open window. You'll know you shouldn't watch, but it's just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
A relative will be seriously injured today, when a man dressed as a huge shrimp abandons his post at the opening of a seafood restaurant, steals an experimental hovercraft, and crashes it into your relative's motor vehicle. The worst part is, the insurance company will refuse to pay a cent.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to embrace diversity. Wear mismatched shoes.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today will be one of those days when everything reminds you of wild hickory nuts. Tomorrow: everything reminds you of peach yogurt.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you'll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you'll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you'll have one of those baffling moments when you're sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They'll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will have an odd dream in which a stadium filled with dogs looks on while a group of wiry runners chases a bunny around a track. The bunny will be Miss April, I believe.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone's doorstep with a tiny little note reading "Dear Big People...."
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good day to do crossword puzzles in the park. Life is short enough, without letting it get you all stressed out like that.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating.
