The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Don't worry about your hair. It's your breath that makes people look at you like that.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as "Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming."
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will spend most of the day attempting to tie knots in a piece of cord, using only your toes. You will be unable to say why, but this will seem like a useful skill to you, at the time.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that...
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will be walking along today when you overhear someone making a snide remark about you, drawing an unflattering comparison between your personality, and landfill. A snappy reply will occur to you, sometime late next week.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Another day of social convention defiance, today. You'll refuse to wear clothes in the "normal" fashion (if at all), and you'll begin all your business correspondence: "My Darling Snookums:."
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Angst day, today.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good time to invest some time in self-improvement. Or if that seems too hard, you can always improve someone else. Oh sure, they may gripe about it at first, but they'll thank you later.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
It's time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like "mashee" or "niblick" in casual conversation?
You made me blush. 
