You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You are always running out of things to say, at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish farming -- that's always a good topic for discussion.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he'll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with "l'orange", and you'll have time to slip out the back way.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will build a better mousetrap, but nobody will beat a path to your door. Several people will beat a path to your refrigerator, though, and will make sandwiches.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Excellent day to refer to everyone as "Doctor." This will make them grin, and they'll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you -- no arias. The theme song from "The Beverly Hillbillies" will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along?
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will snidely snicker at someone today. That's not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Excellent day for standing barefoot on the lawn and wiggling your toes. Under no circumstance should you stand barefoot on the lawn and wiggle your nose. It simply isn't done.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say "bad bush!" in a loud stern tone.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the "Bob" invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.
